


Put Yourself First

by stirringsofconsciousness



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: 2.09 does not exist here, Betty and Toni friendship fic, Betty has awesome fantasies, CW: implied self-harm, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Jughead is a damsel in distress, Taking down the patriarchy, Toni uses the word 'princess' a lot, anon bughead prompt, ass is kicked, post 2.08, seriously fuck the patriarchy, so I guess I'm going to be rewriting 2.09 without the stupid parts, the patriarchy is subverted, the patriarchy rears its ugly head again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 09:28:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13074012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stirringsofconsciousness/pseuds/stirringsofconsciousness
Summary: anon bughead prompt: "Post 2x08: Toni decides Betty is just the ally she needs in order to outlaw the serpent dance (& the gang’s other sexist traditions). Betty needs a distraction, and maybe she is feeling a bit angry and rebellious. The girls team up, to Jughead and Alice’s chagrin. Hijinks ensue, and Jughead finds that it’s hard to make a breakup stick when his ex is everywhere he turns."featuring Betty fixing Toni's car, Toni on the North Side, Betty on the South Side, and some righteous anger from everyone involved.





	1. Chapter 1

The morning after The Breakup, Betty didn’t know why she was at Pop’s, instead of with either of her two best friends, going through their own breakup in their own ways (Veronica had booked an all-inclusive spa day, Archie was playing twanging guitar in his freezing garage).

Or rather, she did know why, but she didn’t want to admit that she was looking for her ex-boyfriend, and to coolly and logically present him with a list of reasons why _his_ reasons for breaking up with her were utter bullshit.

Or, at the very least, to see if FP was there, to make sure Jughead was okay.

Or, to give her enough coffee courage to go find Jughead herself.

Another cup should do it. Or maybe a milkshake. Or fries. She ignored the Alice-like voice in her head that started automatically counting calories and curled her fingers into her palms, hunting for the tender places in her palms where she had previously broken the skin.

“Yo, Serpent slut.” Betty looked up in surprise to see Toni Topaz swinging into the other side of the booth.

“Don’t call me that,” Betty scowled at the other girl.

“You do the Serpent dance, that’s what you get called. I’ve had people yelling that at me since I was thirteen.” Toni slouched down into the booth, somehow taking up the entire space.

Betty’s instinctive dislike of Toni warred with her surprise at what she’d said. “Thirteen? Really?”

“What, North Side princess has a problem with that?”

“No, it’s just...that’s really young, to be doing a dance like that.”

Toni gave her a look. “Like me at thirteen was younger than you are now. I saw your mama there last night. Did she know you were planning on dancing like that?”

“No, she had no idea,” Betty confirmed.

“You know she had to do the dance too, right? It’s been a female Serpent initiation rite since we were first allowed in.”

“No way,” Betty said. “She would never.” Automatically, a little voice in her head reminded her about the way her mother had strode into the bar, how she had hassled Betty about wearing something more Serpent-appropriate (her mother had offered her an outfit made of vintage black leather and fishnet, which probably had been Alice’s, and probably would have been more comfortable, honestly, than the black lace underwear set she’d hastily purchased at the mall, and warmer to boot). “I mean, maybe, but that was a long time ago.”

“Yeah, it was.” Toni drummed her fingers on the table. “I need your help, princess.”

Betty raised her eyebrows, wishing she had the gift Veronica had of raising just one at a time. “Really. My help?”

Betty expected more banter, but Toni instead met her eyes directly, for possibly the first time since they’d met. “Did you actually enjoy doing the Serpent dance last night?”

Betty closed her eyes, reliving it. It had been an almost out-of-body experience, not quite the same as when she and Veronica had trapped Chuck Clayton in the hot tub -- she _still_  wasn’t clear on all of the details of that night -- but there had been similarities: the feeling of disappearing, of floating, of seeing eyes on her and both glorying and shuddering in the experience. The power of commanding attention. The look on her mother’s face. The look on Jughead’s face.

Her fingernails dug into her palms. The momentary flash of pain brought her back to the present, and Toni staring intently at her. “No.”

“It’s stupid. It’s sexist. It’s ridiculous. And I want to change it. And since you’re the latest Serpent recruit…” Toni drew in a breath and tried to smile. It came out as a grimace, but Betty could see the effort behind it. “Can you help me?”

Betty looked at the other girl and gave her a half-smile. One hand automatically reached to re-tighten her ponytail. “Sure, Toni.”

\---

Betty was expecting Toni to have driven a motorcycle to Pop’s, and to have to ride behind her, and to reexperience all the flashbacks of riding behind Jughead that would come back. (Though to be honest, it hadn’t been very often -- twice, at most -- and her memories were far more scary than romantic, as Jughead wasn’t actually very good at handling a motorcycle.)

Instead, Toni walked Betty over to an immaculately-kept silver 2010 Volkswagen New Beetle and climbed in the driver’s seat. Betty’s eyes briefly bugged out, but she opened the passenger-side door.

“This is not the car I expected you to have,” she breathed as she sat down. The inside was slightly less nice -- the plastic vinyl was cracking a lot -- but it was clearly well-loved.

“It’s my baby,” Toni said. “Where to?”

“My house?” Betty suggested diffidently.

“No way,” Toni snorted. “I’m not going to a North Side house. I’ll choke to death on the air freshener.”

Betty rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine. The library?”

“The South Side library,” Toni insisted.

“It’s a worse -- okay, fine.” Betty crossed her arms. “Whatever.”

“Sorry, you’ll have to keep slumming it with me.“ Toni turned the key in the ignition. The Bug sputtered but refused to start. “Come on, baby…”

“You having car problems?” Betty asked, interested despite Toni’s attitude.

“It just does this sometimes. Surprise, surprise, we don’t all get brand-new sports cars on our sixteenth birthdays,” Toni sniped. She tried to start the car a second time, to no avail.

“Nobody got that on their sixteenth birthday on the North Side either," Betty corrected. "Except for maybe Reggie Mantle. But his parents own a luxury car dealership. Are you having issues with your spark plugs?” 

"Naw, it just does this sometimes. I can get Fangs’ older brother to look at it.”

“You know a guy named Fangs?” Betty asked, wincing as the car continued to refuse to start.

“Your boyfriend is named Jughead. Don’t judge.” Betty bit her lip so hard she tasted blood. Toni continued to alternately cajole and threaten her car until it finally started.

“You know, if you’re having a problem with your spark plugs, I can fix that,” Betty offered.

“What do _you_ know about cars, princess?” Toni asked dismissively.

A laugh bubbled out of Betty. She was half-surprised to realize she could still laugh, after all.

“My dad’s hobby is fixing up cars, and he has tons of spare parts in his garage. I’ve been helping him since I was a little kid. This would be child’s play.”

Toni gave her a calculating look. “Fangs’ brother will hook me up for free if I flash him some boobs.”

Betty’s eyes nearly popped out of her skull. “Well, I can also fix it for free, and I _don’t_  want to see your boobs. Besides, if we go by my house, I can ‘hook you up’ with some gingersnap cookies, and we can start figuring out your plan there.”

“How did you know that I like gingersnap cookies?” Toni demanded.

“Please. Everyone likes gingersnap cookies. That’s basic.”

“Are you calling me basic?” Betty internally cringed at the other girl’s tone, until she looked caught a glimpse of her face in the rear view mirror -- Toni was actually smiling.

“If the shoe fits,” Betty sniffed in her best Veronica impression. “Or bra, as the case may be. Which again, I have no interest in seeing.”

“Whatever,” Toni scoffed, still smiling. “Which way to the castle, princess?”

\---

“I don’t understand why you can’t fix my car right now,” Toni whined -- was that being too ungenerous? Not really, Betty decided -- as they entered the Cooper house. “The boys never wait for the engine to cool down before fixing it.”

“Maybe the boys don’t care about burning their fingers or stripping the aluminium wires, but I do,” Betty snapped back. “It’ll be about an hour until your engine is cold, and in the meantime, we can start planning.”

“Fine.”

Betty led Toni up the stairs from the garage into the kitchen, hoping to avoid her mother. No such luck: her mother was standing over the stove, making -- _pancakes?_  

“That’s an unusual number of carbs for you before noon,” Betty said without thinking. Alice whirled around.

“Oh, it’s -- the best way to handle a morning after...after a night like last night.” Betty looked closely at her mother, noticing that her usually impeccable makeup was drawn with a lighter hand than usual, and her skirt and top were ever-so-slightly clashing. “Your dad is out for his weekly golf game, so you can help yourself to anything. I feel like breakfast in bed for myself.”

“Mom, are you _hungover_?” Betty asked curiously.

“Elizabeth! How dare you imply that about me?” her mother replied in her usual imperious tones.

“It wouldn't be unheard of after three shots of tequila,” Toni piped in.

Alice’s eyes narrowed. “Who is _this_?”

“Mom, this is -- “ Betty mentally deleted the words “my friend”, in part because she wasn’t sure if it was true, mostly because she was sure Toni would scoff, “-- Toni Topaz. Toni, this is my mom.”

“Honored to meet you, ma’am,” Toni said.

Alice barely looked in her direction. “Charmed. Elizabeth, if I could have a word…” Betty smothered a yelp as Alice’s perfectly manicured nails dug into her arm and dragged her into the living room.

“Why did you bring this sort of -- of _riffraff_  into our home?” Alice hissed at Betty.

“Toni and I are working on a project together,” Betty said calmly.

“Honestly, it was bad enough when you were just bringing that Jug Head home, but more Serpents? Really? What do you think your father would say?”

A wave of bile rose in Betty’s stomach as her mother -- _deliberately_  -- mispronounced Jughead’s name, turning into anger as she clenched her fists. “I don’t know, Mom, probably the same thing he’d say to you if he knew you were out last night getting wasted at a Serpent bar?”

Alice’s mouth dropped open, but only for a moment. “I don’t like your tone, Elizabeth.”

“And I don’t like yours,” Betty responded, jutting her chin out. “If we’re done here, can I go back to my guest? It’s rude to leave her all alone. Though if you want to stay around and talk for longer, I’m sure Toni remembers your drink preferences. She was the bartender, remember?”

Alice’s jaw worked for a moment, and then, without a word to Betty or her guest, she swept into the kitchen, grabbed the whole stack of pancakes, and brought it upstairs to her bedroom.

Betty took a deep breath, consciously relaxed her fists -- the fresh stinging in her palms was already fading -- and walked back into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry about my mom,” Betty apologized. “She can be, um, uptight?”

“No worries,” Toni said casually. “It’s a treat just to meet Alice Hovick in the flesh.”

Betty’s forehead wrinkled. “Hovick? My mom’s maiden name is Harth.”

“It wasn’t when she was a Serpent,” Toni shrugged. “Anyway, Alice Hovick is legendary. People still talk about the stuff she did. She was questioned by the police for hours after Riverdale High got torched in the riots, and never gave up anybody. And her Serpent dance was to Bob Seeger’s ‘Strut’ -- they don’t use that song for the dance anymore, because no one could ever live up to what she did.”

Betty took a moment to process that. “How did the dance even get started?”

“Tradition,” Toni spat balefully. “Back when the Serpents started, they wanted to show off their girlfriends, or something. And now it keeps going because there are never enough female Serpents to change it, because very few girls want to join with that as a requirement, but they keep it because the asshole men in the group get off watching girls writhe around, and there’s no way they’ll get rid of it without a good reason.” Toni bared her teeth in a not-quite smile. “I intend to give them one.

Betty couldn’t help herself. She blurted out, “Why did you ever do it, if you hate it so much?”

Toni gave her a dirty look. “Why did you do it, princess?”

“Because it was the only way -- “ _to protect Jughead_  “ -- to be accepted as a Serpent.”

“Exactly.” After a moment, Toni added, “Mad World, really?”

“I didn’t pick that song, Veronica and Archie did!” Betty defended herself. “Besides, Donnie Darko is a great movie.”

“It’s from Donnie Darko? I only knew it from Billy…” Toni trailed off, but Betty’s head jerked up.

"Wait, _you_  like So You Think You Can Dance?” Betty asked incredulously.

“What? No. Shut up!”

“Sure,” Betty said, unable to control the grin spreading across her face, “it’s just…”

“What, princess?” Toni snapped.

“Do you think Vanessa Hudgens will be a judge next season?” Betty asked sweetly.

“Oh God, I hope not,” Toni replied reflexively. Betty raised her eyebrows, and both girls burst into laughter. A warm feeling grew in Betty’s chest -- _finally, friendship_.

\---

“So what’s the plan?” Betty asked once they were up in her room, along with a platter of gingersnaps. Toni sprawled on her bed, while she stood near the window.

Toni looked around, as if checking for spies, then lowered her voice. “I know FP hates the dance and wants to get rid of it, but he can’t afford to piss off Tall Boy and the others, who all wants to be in charge. But there is one person who FP can’t cross who isn’t an official leader, but she has all the power, so we have to get her on our side. And she’s tough as nails and likes, like, research and shit. Hence you.”

“Hence me,” Betty agreed. “She?”

“Her name’s Penny Peabody,” Toni said. “She’s a lawyer who works for us. She’s gotten most of the Serpents out of jail at one point or another, so everyone owes her.”

“Is she a Serpent, too?” Toni nodded. “And she’s super-old, like thirty or something, so she hates it when people imply she’s weak or had it easy or anything. So we can’t say that.”

Betty tipped her head to one side, thinking. “So female Serpent Initiates have to do the Serpent dance. What do male Serpents have to do?”

Toni gave her a questioning look. “Jughead didn’t tell you about it?”

Betty smiled tightly. “Jughead doesn’t really talk much about Serpent stuff to me.”

Toni’s gaze turned inscrutable. “Ooookay. So, the Serpent Initiation process is like...you have a bunch of tasks you have to pass. First, you have to take care of the gang’s dog -- it’s named Hot Dog.” Betty nodded, remembering the dog from her visits to the trailer. “Second, you have to memorize the Serpent rules -- this is actually the task that the most people wipe out on, which is good, because if you can’t memorize six rules, you are _way_  too dumb to be in our gang. Third, you have to get a knife from the rattlesnake’s cage without freaking out -- the rattlesnake has been defanged, so it’s totally harmless if it bites you, but the bites still suck. Finally, you have to run the Gauntlet.”

“Is that an obstacle course or something?” Betty asked.

“No, princess,” Toni said with a wry smile. “It’s the most homoerotic part of the process. You stand in the middle of two lines of gang members, and you have to walk slowly and not defend yourself as each of them punches you as hard as they can.”

Betty gave an involuntary gasp. “That’s awful!”

“I mean, they seem to enjoy it. The hitting and all.” Toni shrugged. “Once you’ve gotten hit by all the boys, you get your tattoo and you’re in. And while I’m sure I hit as hard or harder as any of the guys, I do not want to make that mandatory for the girls, too.”

Betty barely heard her. “Toni,” she said, “that day that Juggie -- that Jughead told me he got injured while riding his motorcycle... had he just run the Gauntlet?”

Toni shook her head. “No, princess. He’d gotten beaten up by the Ghoulies. The day he ran the Gauntlet was the day you broke up with him.”

The world swum around Betty’s eyes, fracturing into tiny pieces. From a distance, she felt the breath leave her body, felt her body fall limp against the wall, sliding down to the floor.

 _This is all my fault._  Everything was all her fault. Jughead being a Serpent, Jughead having driven her away, the chances of increasing civil war between the North and South Side, if only she had been able to handle the Black Hood better, if only she hadn’t given in, if only --

“No, it wasn’t your fault, princess,” Toni said gently. Betty hadn’t even been aware she’d spoken out loud. “Jughead joined the Serpents because it was safer for him if he did, and because he wanted to help the Serpents stay out of dealing drugs and other dangerous things.” She handed Betty a wadded-up napkin that seemed fairly clean: Betty shook her head and rummaged for her stash of tissues. “I pushed him, the other Serpents pushed him, but most of all, he pushed himself. He was already trying to join before the breakup. Don’t assume it’s all because of you.”

Betty managed a watery smile. “Thanks, Toni.”

“No sweat, princess. I need you to hang on with me a little longer." Toni waited until Betty had finished blotting her tears, and then went on. "So, I want to tell Penny that this Serpent dance is sexist and misogynistic, but then I kind of run out of ideas of what to say.”

Betty thought for a moment. “So basically, we need to devise some kind of alternative ritual, that proves that girls are just as tough as the guys, but isn’t performative.” She picked up her a notebook and opened it to a blank page. “So we can make a list, or maybe a Pinterest board…”

“What?”

“Just kidding.” Betty uncapped a pen. “So it really seems like both the Gauntlet and the dance are about expressing vulnerability, to the group as a whole.”

“Huh. Yeah. That, and sexual tension,” Toni agreed.

“So we need something that expresses women’s vulnerability, but in such a way that men aren’t going to be turned on by it. And not something too feminine, so that the men don’t think we’re wimping out.”

“Yeah. Tall order.”

“You know what always helps me think?” Betty said with a smile. Toni looked at her and shrugged. “Fixing cars. And cookies.”

“As you say, princess,” Toni grinned as she jammed a gingersnap into her mouth.

\---

Fixing Toni’s car ended up being a lot easier than brainstorming ideas for what they can substitute in for the dance. It was a cool, crisp, early winter morning, the kind that was Betty’s favorite to be working on cars. As Betty suspected, the problem was the spark plugs: Betty asked Toni to help her by cranking the ignition as she checked the spark plug, and was satisfied as it flickered yellow instead of blue. She quickly went through her dad’s meticulously labelled garage and got a pair of brand new spark plugs to sub in, while Toni laboriously filled pages in her notebook.

As Betty worked, she saw Mr. Andrews walking down the street, holding the cane he’d been using (but hated to use). She waved him over.

“This is an awesome car, Betty,” he said once he’d walked up their driveway to the garage. (Betty had pulled out a chair for him, but he refused to sit down.) “Early Christmas present? How fast does it go?”

Toni looked up from the notebook. “It’s not hers, it’s mine,” she said shortly, and went back to writing.

“I’m just changing out the spark plugs for her,” Betty explained, smiling at Mr. Andrews and the dad-vibes that emanated from him.

“Oh hey, Val, it’s good to see you again. Didn’t recognize with the, uh, the different hair,” Mr. Andrews said.

Toni looked up again. “I’m not Val.”

An awkward tension filled the garage.

“This is Toni Topaz,” Betty said finally. “She’s my friend.”

Toni gave her an amused look. “Yeah, we’ve been braiding each other’s hair and talking about ponies all morning.”

“Sorry, I mixed you up with my son’s -- Archie’s, do you know him? -- his ex-girlfriend. She looks a lot like you, except her hair is uh, different.” Betty frowned: she didn’t think Val and Toni looked alike at all. “So do you guys go to school together?”

“No, I go to school with Jughead. On the South Side.”

“Oh.”

The silence returned to the garage. Betty bent her head over the car engine, looking for something to do to keep her from having to make more conversation.

“Yo, Cooper,” Toni said after a minute. “I think my period just started, and I don’t have any tampons. You got any?”

“Sure,” Betty chirped. “There’s a bunch in our upstairs bathroom, but if you want, you can just grab my purse and go to the guest bathroom downstairs -- it’s just off your right if you go in the house from the garage.”

“Do you have anything for like, a super-heavy flow? When it’s just gushing?”

“Yeah, I’ve got some pads in the inner pocket,” Betty grinned.

Toni picked up Betty’s purse and disappeared into the house. Betty smiled at Mr. Andrews, who had turned beet-red at the discussion. “Sorry about Toni. She can be a little bit blunt.”

Mr. Andrews looked at her seriously. “Is it okay just letting her go inside your house like that?”

Betty tilted her head in confusion. “To go to the bathroom? I think it’s fine.”

Mr. Andrews took a moment to stretch out the arm that had been holding the cane. “I mean, with your purse.”

“I don’t understand what you mean,” Betty said, fighting the urge to dig her nails into her palms.

“I’m just saying, you can’t be too careful,” he said, giving her a meaningful look, like the ones her parents often gave her.

In another world, if it wasn’t Mr. Andrews, if it wasn’t for the trauma of what had happened the last time she’d tried to fix Riverdale, if it wasn’t for the ten kinds of pain she was already in, if she hadn’t been alone and instead had Veronica or Toni with her, she would have gone on the offense, demanded Mr. Andrews speak out loud all the subtext and assumptions and metamessages in his pronouncements.

But instead, Betty smiled back, sweetly, but with her fists clenched tightly. “Agree to disagree.”

After a few more moments of uncomfortable silence, Mr. Andrews told her to give his best to her parents, and hobbled out down the driveway to finish his walk. Betty watched him walk away, lowered the hood, and then wiped down her hands to make sure no oil had gotten into the cuts.

Toni appeared at the doorway. “He’s gone?” she asked.

“Yeah. Sorry,” Betty said, knowing it wasn’t enough. “Did you find the tampons you needed?”

“Oh, my period doesn’t start for another week,” Toni replied blithely. “I just knew it would make that dude uncomfortable.”

An idea bubbled up in Betty’s mind, but she firmly repressed it. “The car’s done, if you want to check it out. How’s your list coming?” she asked instead.

“Badly,” Toni sighed. “But I think I can make a case." She tore a few pages out of Betty's notebook -- Betty winced --and jammed them into her pocket, slid into the driver’s seat, and started the engine, which immediately roared to life. “Nice job, princess.”

“No problem. Hey, do you want me to go with you to the meeting?” Betty suggested diffidently. “For moral support, or to have a punching bag around, whatever.”

Toni gave her a small smile. “I’d like that.”

\---

Penny Peabody’s office was in the back of the grossest tattoo parlor that Betty had ever seen, not that she had much to compare it to. In the law office proper, a hard-looking woman in her early thirties with stringy blonde hair sat with her feet up on the desk.

“Penny,” Toni started, and cleared her throat. This was the first time Betty had ever seen Toni really uncomfortable.

“Toni Topaz,” Penny said with a -- Betty cursed herself for the cliche, but it was the only appropriate word -- serpent’s grin. “And if my eyes don’t deceive me, Alice Hovick’s daughter.”

“Alice Cooper,” Betty corrected, in a voice so small and meek even she could barely hear it.

“We’re here because -- “ Toni bit her lip, looked at Betty briefly, and then pulled out the crumpled papers from her pocket and began to read, shifting her weight back and forth as she spoke. “We want to formally protest the Serpent dance as an initiation rite, and replace it with something more appropriate. We think that the Serpent dance is sexist and misogynistic, and it’s hurting our ability to recruit new women into the Serpents. We suggest that it be replaced with something that is, that is, less performative and less reliant on the male gaze, such as public speaking, or car repair, or any of a number of activities that could demonstrate an initiate’s vulnerability as well as their commitment to the Serpents and showcasing their skills and talents that will help us all grow stronger and better, as in unity, there is strength.”

Penny looked amused. “Very interesting speech, Toni,” she said. “Utterly compelling. But I’m not the head of the Serpents, FP is. Why are you coming to me?”

Toni met Penny’s eyes. “Because you’ve got leverage over FP and all the senior Serpent guys. You could do it. They can’t.”

Penny gave a short bark of laughter. “True. They all do owe me favors. I could use that to get them to change the initiation rites. But if I call in favors from my friends for this -- well, that’s doing a favor for you. Is it okay if you owe me a favor or two, down the line? Between friends.”

Toni relaxed, but Betty’s insides curdled, remembering similar conversations with Cheryl Blossom and how they'd ended up. “No,” she said firmly, before Toni could speak.Toni jabbed her with an elbow, but it was too late. “This isn’t about favors between friends. This is changing gang law. This is a professional request to a lawyer and a leader.” 

Penny raised her eyebrows. “Well, well. She speaks.” Penny swung her legs off the desk and planted her feet on the ground. “Now, listen to me, Betty Cooper. I saw you dancing last night, and you didn’t seem to mind then. We’re not changing our ways just because some North Side princess got her panties in a twist while pole dancing. And you don’t seem to have a problem bending and spreading for your little Serpent princeling, either. So I don’t understand what your objection is here.”

Just a few months before, a speech like that would have turned Betty into a pile of tears and goo on the carpet. But Betty Cooper had been through so much in the last few months, from confessing her feelings to Archie Andrews to uncovering Jason Blossom’s murderer to telling off the whole town at the Jubilee. She’d stood up to her mother and the Black Hood and to Cheryl Blossom, all of whom were equally terrifying. A South Side lawyer was nothing in comparison.

Betty calmly met Penny Peabody’s glare. “I chose to dance last night,” she said. “But I don’t like doing anything because a man tells me to do it. And I don’t think you like it either. If you get the Serpent initiation rite changed, you’ll be able to recruit a whole crop of female gang members from women who wouldn’t bother with the Serpents before. They’ll support you over FP and Tall Boy. You’ll be their queen.”

Penny held Betty’s gaze for a long moment. “That’s a lot of talk. If the initiation rites were changed, would you support me as leader of the Serpents over -- Jughead Jones?”

Betty jutted out her chin in an unconscious imitation of her mother. “Who?”

Penny gave a full-on belly laugh. “You’re a stone-cold bitch, aren’t you? But before we can change the initiation rite, we need something really good to replace it. What do you have?”

Toni opened her mouth to give their ideas, but Betty shook her head. “Honestly, I like the dancing. The dance is about power and vulnerability, but in its current form, it’s too exploitative. It doesn’t empower women, it excites men. What we need to do is modify the dance, so that men are disgusted and it can fully center women. So we need to incorporate something that will disgust the men -- keep the focus off of our bodies and onto the feminine principle inside of us.”

“And that is…?” Penny prompted. Betty took in a deep breath.

“Menstrual blood. We paint our faces with our own blood. The men will be disgusted.”

“So will the women,” Penny pointed out after a moment.

Betty smirked. “Not necessarily. All of the male Serpent rites are tricks. Hot Dog is adorable. The six laws they have to memorize aren’t even fifty words long. The rattlesnake isn’t poisonous. We’d control the blood application process. If initiates don’t want to, they don’t really have to paint their faces with menstrual blood -- but the men will believe it’s real, and be too disgusted to get off on the dancing. It crosses a taboo. It gives us back the power.”

“It’s true,” Toni breathed. “We don’t tell the initiates how easy any of the tasks are until afterwards. Some of the guys in the gang still don’t know the snake had its poison sacs removed.”

“Exactly. And if women do want to use their own blood...more power to them.”

“That is...not what I expected to hear from you, Betty Cooper,” Penny said finally. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“Just a professional suggestion,” Betty reiterated. “From one Serpent to another.”

“Sure,” Penny smiled again, that snake-like grin. “I hope to see a lot more of you. With your clothes on.”

Betty’s eyes briefly bugged out, but she smiled and waved goodbye quickly.

\---

Betty and Toni kept silent as they walked through the tattoo parlor, but once they were outside in the crisp air, Toni gave an excited “woop!” and gave Betty a hug.

“We did it, we did it -- you did it, really -- that went so much better than I ever expected it to!” Toni said sincerely. “Menstrual blood, what. I nearly fell over.”

“You gave me the idea,” Betty said sincerely, feeling a laugh bubbling up. “I wouldn’t have known getting rid of the dance could even happen, if not for you.”

“Serpent girl power, yeah?” Toni flashed a V-sign, which made Betty nearly double over in laughter.

As they walked towards Toni’s car, high on their win they ran into the person Betty had been hoping and dreading seeing all day. Jughead Jones, Serpent jacket on, was staring at her, his face frozen.

Betty stumbled, breaking her step as Toni waved blithely at Jughead. “Hey Jug! On your way to meet the Snake Charmer?” Toni called out.

Jughead ignored her and strode directly to Betty, grabbing her shoulders with a fierce grip that almost hurt. “Why are you here?” he hissed at Betty in a furious whisper. “With _her_?”

Last night and this morning, Betty had envisioned approximately three thousand different versions of how her first post-break-up moment with Jughead would go, and practiced over and over the way she would respond, the warmth she would project, the logical order of facts that would explain to him why he was wrong and why they had to stop pushing each other away. She would show him how sincere she was, and he would have to believe her. She’d imagined tears. She’d imagined -- hoped for -- soft words and embraces. She’d never imagined that she would be as angry as she was right now.

“You’re not the boss of me,” Betty replied, shaking off his hands, “and as you’re the one who dumped me, you have no reason to care about where I am or who I’m friends with.”

“Not Toni,” Jughead said exasperatedly, his first acknowledgement that Toni was even there. “Penny. The Snake Charmer. Why are you _here_?”

“None. Of. Your. Business,” Betty spat back.

Jughead ignored her. “Did she try to get you to -- I don’t know, what did she tell you about me?”

“That’s your problem, Jug,” Betty spat. “You’re always assuming it’s about you. Toni and I had Serpent business with Penny, and it doesn’t involve you.”

“ _Serpent_  business?” Jughead sounded shocked. “You’re not a Serpent, Betty.”

“Yes I am,” Betty said, just as Toni said, “yes, she is.”

Toni linked her arm through Betty’s. “She’s the kid of a Serpent and she did the dance. She’s in. I’ll be taking her shopping for leather jackets later.”

“Shut up, Toni. Betty, I’m trying to keep you safe and away from all of this.” His eyes were all-absorbing, like a gravity well. “Leave here. Leave me. It’s the only way to protect you.”

“If you haven’t noticed, Jughead Jones, I haven’t been protected from anything on the North Side, either,” Betty said in quiet, measured tones she only vaguely recognized as being like Veronica’s. “Not everything in my world is in reaction to you. So before the next time you see me on the South Side, get your head out of your ass, and your beanie too.” Without another word, she walked to Toni’s car, which Toni hastily unlocked, and got inside. Toni followed.

Through the rear view mirror, she saw Jughead gesture, start to walk to the car, and then hastily reverse himself and stride into tattoo parlor instead.

“Good last words,” Toni said. “Well, ‘and your beanie too’ isn’t the most threatening phrase ever, but it’s definitely going to give him something to chew on.”

In response, Betty cried until she was empty.

Toni sat besides her and patted her shoulder, offering another wadded, mostly-clean napkin. “It’s okay, princess. It’ll be alright.”

“He broke up with me last night,” Betty sobbed. “He thinks it’s protecting me to break up with me. How can he protect me when he’s the one hurting me?”

Toni gave her an awkward, one-armed hug. “Your prince will definitely come back, princess. I know he is like, totally, crazy in love with you. Even when we made out, he was still saying your name.”

“Thanks, Toni,” Betty said, returning the hug. Then her brain caught up to her ears. “Wait, _what_?”

tbc

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original prompt here: https://bughead-fanfic-wishlist.tumblr.com/post/168324370963/post-2x08-toni-decides-betty-is-just-the-ally-she
> 
> You can see Billy Bell’s SYTYCD dance to Mad World here: https://youtu.be/BePGx_KjvmM?t=1m12s 
> 
> title is from a song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, mostly for the general vibe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2lmojePnA0
> 
> I'm on tumblr! http://stirringsofconsciousness.tumblr.com/
> 
> more to come!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betty and Toni deepen (and test) their friendship, on both the North Side and South Side. Featuring Veronica, Kevin, spas, bars, and Pop Tate speaking!

Toni gave Betty an awkward, one-armed hug from the driver’s seat of the Bug. “Your prince will definitely come back, princess. I know he is like, totally, crazy in love with you. Even when we made out, he was still saying your name.”

“Thanks, Toni,” Betty said, returning the hug. Then her brain caught up to her ears. “Wait, _what_?”

Toni froze. “Shit.” She slumped back into the driver’s seat. “I thought he’d told you.”

Toni's voice seemed to be coming from far away. Distantly, Betty realized that she wasn’t angry, wasn’t upset, wasn’t even clenching her hands into fists. Her journalistic habits took over: here was a source, telling her an explosive story -- she had to know everything, get all the details, put it in order.

“When was it?” Betty heard herself ask. “We broke up for a little while.” It was important, deeply important, to know if he had cheated on her, or if this was -- _my fault my fault my fault_.

“It was right after he ran the Gauntlet,” Toni said, “after he told me you’d broken up.”

 _My fault_. Why had she ever listened to the Black Hood? Why had she allowed herself to be so isolated, so weak? Why had she driven Jughead away?

Toni kept talking, almost babbling, like she thought getting all the details out at once was better than letting anything fester. “It was nothing, really. We kissed for a while. A little bit of under-the-shirt groping. But once he called me ‘Betty’, I was like, wait a second, I’m nobody’s rebound. So I told him I was tired and needed to crash, and he immediately said he’d sleep on the couch so I could have the bed, and I agreed. And then the next morning I told him I knew he wasn’t over you, and then like two days later you guys were back together.”

 _My fault_. Betty let Toni’s words pierce her skin. Betty’s stupid, stupid actions were the reason why Jughead had kissed another girl.

Toni was still talking. “-- and honestly, it seemed like you guys were doing better, because when he first started going to Southside High he was ignoring your calls and not telling you the truth about what was going on -- “

“Hold up,” Betty said slowly. “He ignored my calls? He _lied_  to me?”

“I saw him do it we were working on the Black Hood stuff,” Toni said uneasily. “Once or twice. Maybe more.”

Betty’s jaw worked for a moment as she tried to slot this new information in. A voice argued in her head that Toni was lying, trying to sabotage her relationship with Jughead. Maybe. But that didn’t make sense, given their interactions all day -- the genuine, if prickly, overtures toward friendship and mutual empowerment -- and it _had_  been hard to contact Jughead in the weeks before the Black Hood had contacted her, something she hadn’t told anyone else. Toni wouldn’t have known that unless she’d seen it happen -- and then, of course, once the Black Hood had contacted her, she hadn’t wanted to touch her phone at all.

Jughead had been so distant, and she had blamed herself for causing it.

_Not anymore._

“Hold that thought,” Betty said out loud. She picked up her phone and texted Veronica. _V, got space for two more in your spa package?_

The answer came almost immediately. _but of course! Kev and I r having a wonderful “down with terrible men” time_

Two more messages popped up almost as quickly.

_whos your plus one?_

_plz tell me NOT CHERYL_

A wide grin split Betty’s face. “Up for a spa day, T?”

\---

“Are you sure you don’t want me to just drop you off?” Toni asked as they drove to the spa. “I really don’t have to go.”

“I want you there,” Betty said confidently. “You’ll have fun.”

Toni continued driving, her eyes checking out Betty in the rear view mirror suspiciously.

Betty could tell that her firm insistence was making Toni mildly uncomfortable, but both parts of her statement were true, if coming from a slightly manic part deep inside of her. There was a giddy thrill in taking Toni outside of her comfort zone. _Is this how Veronica feels all the time?_

“About Jughead,” Toni said finally.

“I don’t want to talk about him,” Betty said immediately.

“If it helps you,” Toni overrode her, “I really like girls more than boys, anyway.” Toni gave Betty a sidelong look under her lashes. “If that bothers you, I understand.”

Betty’s forehead wrinkled. “Why would you think that would bother me? You’ve met Kevin.”

Toni not-quite-shrugged. “Sometimes girls are okay with okay with gay guys but not bi girls because they’re afraid that I’ll, like, hit on them ‘cause I can’t stop myself or whatever.” Her voice was breezy, but the tension in her posture made it clear to Betty that this had happened to her before.

“Well, that’s idiotic,” Betty responded automatically. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure I have at least one other friend who’s bi,” she said, thinking how quickly Veronica had jumped to kissing Betty during River Vixens tryouts. Then, remembering Kevin’s lectures on outing, she added quickly, “though they’re not officially out.”

“Oh,” Toni said. Then, after a moment, “this person wouldn’t happen to be your red-headed friend, would they?”

Betty’s eyes widened. Completely unbidden, her imagination conjured an image of Archie shirtless and embracing a tall, dark-haired boy... _okay, this is a very unexpected reaction, but you should examine this later, probably alone._ “What? Archie? No!” Betty exclaimed, aware that her cheeks were now a bright pink.

“I didn’t mean Archie,” Toni said disgustedly. “I meant your other friend, the one with the long red hair who was at the drag race?”

“ _Cheryl_? Cheryl _Blossom_?” Betty spluttered. “I have no idea if she’s into girls or not, but honestly, you can do way better. Like seriously, a rattlesnake might be safer. Even if it’s not defanged.”

Toni half-smiled. “Whatever you say, princess.”

\---

Betty had been friends with Veronica long enough to be accepting of how things worked in Veronica-world: people, generally in spic-and-span uniforms, would show up and cater to your whims, both expressed and unexpressed. The magic words “we’re here to see Veronica Lodge” was enough to change the spa concierge’s expression of dismissive contempt (okay, so Betty’s grey sweater had a few engine grease smears on it, but Toni’s plaid flannel and denim was quite chic in a grunge fashion-y way) into attentive courtesy.

“Ah, Ms. Lodge and her guest have already begun their body wraps, we’ll need to hurry to get you caught up with them.”

Within two minutes, both girls had been led out of the lobby and deep into the warren of little rooms within the spa, where they were handed fluffy white bathrobes and asked to select the essential oils for their future massage treatments. (Betty first chose her usual vanilla: at Toni’s smirk, she changed her selection to peppermint. Toni chose ylang ylang.) They were each then led into different rooms for showers, salt scrubs, and a second shower (“to get rid of the salt, miss, so you’ll be able to absorb more of the nutrients from the wrap.”).

“Princess,” Toni hissed as they met in the hallway post-salt scrub, “how much is this going to _cost_?”

“Don’t worry, Veronica pays for all of her friends.”

“ _I’m not her friend._ ”

“You will be,” Betty said confidently.

After the second shower, they were led into yet another room, this one with Veronica and Kevin inside, both covered up to their necks in seaweed body wraps and laid out on matching rolling beds. Veronica, deep in a rant, didn’t even notice the door opening.

“ -- like I’m being punished because I’m not ready to say it back to him, and as every relationship guru would say, you have to know and respect your partner’s boundaries, and while they’re usually talking about sexual boundaries, it also holds true for emotional boundaries! I just don’t know what to do about him.”

“Dump him,” Toni suggested brightly. “Physically, I mean. There’s a good spot by the quarry on the South Side. I know a guy who will help. Actually, if you’re talking about the dude who was singing last night, I know a _bunch_  of guys who will help.”

Veronica and Kevin both looked up. Veronica’s lips curled up. “I’m not sure I’m ready to resort to that drastic of a measure, but I like where your mind goes. Hello, Betty’s guest. I know we’ve seen each other at various events, but I don’t think we’ve ever properly been introduced. I’m Veronica Lodge. I’d extend my hand, but it’s covered in the moment. My similarly-swaddled friend is Kevin Keller.”

“We’ve met,” said Kevin drily. Betty took a moment to appreciate how Veronica could make being at an illegal drag race and a dive bar sound as classy as attending the Met Ball. “Hey, Toni.”

Toni had time for a brief wave before the uniformed spa attendees wrestled first Toni and then Bety into giant seaweed wraps and left them cocooned on matching rolling beds facing Veronica and Kevin, before silently disappearing back into the spa warren.

“So, before you lovely ladies dropped by,” Veronica drawled, “I was filling in Kevin on our Black Hood investigation, and he pointed out a flaw with the Svenson-as-Black-Hood theory.”

“Yeah, you guys should really start your investigations _with_  me, instead of assuming law enforcement corruption and malfeasance as a given,” Kevin said, sounding miffed. Betty raised her eyebrows at Veronica, silently asking, _did you tell him that we were investigating his dad as a suspect?_  Veronica gave a slight brow furrow back, which Betty interpreted as, _no idea, gurl._ “‘Cause if you had, I would have told you that the night of Ms. Grundy’s murder, Sven Svenson was in the drunk tank all night. I saw him there while I was visiting my dad. He got dragged in right after he finished cleaning the school -- he’s apparently drinking on the job, but Principal Weatherbee won’t fire him unless he’s caught drinking, and since no one is in the school after hours...” Kevin trailed off with a sign. “He’s a regular in the drunk tank. Honestly, where is the outrage? Aren’t there laws against people with criminal offenses working in our schools?”

“You could bring it up to my mom,” Betty offered. “She’s PTA president.”

Kevin gave a delicate shudder. “Pass. Anyway, records show that he was under police custody at least two of the nights that the Black Hood was active, so it can’t be him.”

“Or, Svenson’s a copycat Black Hood,” Betty pointed out.

“Sure, but that doesn’t actually make it any simpler to identify who the Black Hood actually is.”

Betty blew out her breath in frustration. “But that means we’re back to square one, with no leads, no clue of who the Black Hood is.”

“Yeah, well, you can’t just randomly accuse people of being the Black Hood,” Kevin sniped. Betty winced. _Okay, he_ definitely _knows we suspected his dad, and he’s pissed._  “You have to look at the whole picture to get the culprit. Means, method, opportunity. Who fits all of them? Did our binge-watch of Veronica Mars mean nothing to you?”

Toni, who had been following the conversation in rapt silence, cleared her throat. “If you ask me, we should just lock up all white men between the ages of 30 and 50 preemptively as the most likely culprits. Starting with all the members of the sheriff’s department.” Betty and Veronica snickered, but Kevin gave her a disapproving look. “What? They don’t mind profiling when it’s the Serpents. Fair is fair.”

“Come back and join the Scooby Gang when you’re ready to solve crimes, not create them,” Kevin sniffed.

Toni blew a strand of pink hair out of her face. “Oh, that reminds me, Joaquin’s been posting a lot on his Instagram lately. Want his new username?”

“I’m so over my criminal phase,” Kevin said disapprovingly. After a moment, he let out a sigh. “Has he gotten fat? Tell me he’s gotten fat.”

Toni grinned. “Oh, hugely chubby. Very gross.”

“Ugh, I knew it.”

“So between dead-ending on the Black Hood investigation, and Archie Andrews deciding that me saying three little words is more important than any number of actions, material goods, or the best chance of a guy-girl-girl threesome that he’ll ever have -- “

“Veronica!” Betty burst out. “TMI!”

“I don’t mind,” Toni said _sotto voce_. Kevin nodded vigorously in agreement.

“ -- all of this is to say, for me, both love and my investigatory zeal have been diminished for me. How about you, Betty? Can you warm the cockles of my cold, dying heart with tales from the romantically-hued world of hashtag Bughead?”

“I -- wait, _Bughead_?” Betty was briefly diverted. “Have people really been calling us that?”

“Only a very few, select admirers from the inner circle,” Veronica reassured her.

“Plus Cheryl, on Twitter,” Kevin admitted. “That's how it started, actually. We’re reclaiming it as a term of pride.”

Betty shook her head. “You guys. I don’t know. We’re in a rough place.”

“No!” Kevin burst out. “I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! How dare you?!”

“It’s not her fault,” Toni said. “Jughead has issues with Betty joining the Serpents.”

“WHAT?!” exclaimed Veronica and Kevin in unison.

“Tell me you’re not, Betty,” Kevin said. “The Serpents are bad news.”

“I’m _right here_ ,” Toni reminded him.

"Exactly," Kevin retorted.

“I’m...investigating my options,” Betty said evasively. Toni gave her a look. “It’s not the only problem we’re having, anyway. He’s been keeping secrets from me.”

“Like that I kissed him,” Toni said. Kevin nearly fell off his bed as Veronica squawked in horror. “To be fair, they were broken up at the time.”

“That’s not really the issue,” Betty sighed. “I mean, it’s not _great_ , I’m not _thrilled_  or anything, but I’m more worried about the whole pattern developing, of keeping secrets and not trusting the other, or not being there for each other, or...letting this town’s stupid civil war drive us apart.”

Toni cocked an eyebrow at her. _How can everyone can do that but me?_  “Also, Jughead might have a problem with you telling him to shove his beanie up his ass.”

At that, Kevin actually did fall off his bed, and two uniformed spa attendants rushed into the room to put him back on the bed and also pry him from his seaweed wrap. All four were unwrapped and showered (again) in turn, before gathering in yet another room for mani-pedis and massages.

Betty was trying to figure out the layout of the spa, and how it managed to adhere to fire code standards, and whether or not this would be worth mentioning to her mother as a possible story for the Register, when Toni’s phone buzzed loudly.

“Shit, I gotta go,” Toni said after reading a text. “It’s been real, North Side. Where are my clothes?”

“I’ll go with you to find them,” Betty said, clutching her bathrobe a little tighter.

They walked together quietly for a few moments, Betty trying to build a mental map of the spa, before Toni finally broke the silence. “Thanks, princess, this was...what Northsiders do for fun, huh?”

“Not even,” Betty laughed. “I’ve never been to a spa in my life before Veronica showed up. This isn’t my world, either. It is fun, though.” They walked on for a few more minutes. “So, who texted you?”

“Not your boyfriend, if that’s what you’re worried about.” “I don’t think he's my boyfriend anymore,” Betty said honestly, though it hurt to admit. “Who was it from?”

“Serpents have an all-hands meeting at the Whyte Wyrm in 30 minutes,” Toni said. “Attendance mandatory.”

“Okay, so I should go with you, right?”

Toni raised an eyebrow at Betty again. “I don’t know, princess. _Should_  you?”

Betty crossed her arms. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You were awfully quick to deny joining the Serpents to your friends,” Toni said flatly. “We’re not your dirty little secret, we’re not a game for rich young girls to play. We’re not a part-time activity. We’re not Glee Club. You’re with us, you gotta be ride or die.”

“You saw how my friends reacted,” Betty defended herself. “If I tell them I’m joining the Serpents, then they’ll flip out.”

“But you are joining.” Toni’s brown eyes bore into hers.

Betty met her gaze. “Of course I am,” Betty lied, though she didn’t know if she was lying to Toni or to herself.

“Okay.” Toni said. “Gimme your phone.”

“Why?”

“So I can plant incriminating evidence on it and frame you for all my dastardly crimes, dummy.” Toni blew out her breath exasperatedly. “So I can get your digits, duh!”

Betty handed over her phone, and Toni quickly typed a phone number and called it. Her own phone started ringing -- Betty smiled as she recognized Toni's ringtone as a song from _Hamilton_. Toni handed Betty her phone back. “There, now you have mine too. Tell your friends you’re going, so they don’t ‘flip out’.”

Betty texted a quick _hey, mom called, gotta go or I’ll be grounded_  in her group chat with Veronica and Kevin, and headed off with Toni in search of their clothing.

\---

“Hey, princess, why don’t you have your own car?” Toni asked once they were back in the Bug (and wearing their own clothing again).

Betty shrugged. “My mom won’t let Polly or me have a car because she says that it’ll increase their insurance payments too much to have teenage drivers on it. We have our drivers’ licenses, but she holds onto them unless she's in the car with us.”

Toni started the car. Betty was pleased to notice that it was still starting smoothly. “You know that’s bullshit, right?”

“Huh?”

Toni rolled her eyes. “Girl, I’ve seen the house you live in, If your parents are really hurting for money, they could just sell off their antique embroidered throw pillow collection. Anyway, you would obviously be the most careful driver ever. They’re just keeping you dependent on them to keep you under their control.”

“I... never thought of it that way,” said Betty. It made sense. Obvious, thudding sense.

“Princess, you gotta learn how to put yourself first. It’s not about what your parents want, or what your friends want, or what your boyfriend wants.” Betty winced. “It’s about what you want to do, and nothing else matters. You gotta put you as number one in your life, because no one else can be trusted to do that for you.”

Betty thought about this as a philosophy for a moment. It made sense, even if it was cold. But still... “What about what the Serpents want?”

“What I want _is_  what the Serpents want,” Toni stated flatly.

“The Serpents want to keep the sexist dance,” Betty reminded her.

“They don’t want to keep the dance,” Toni insisted firmly. There was a pause. “They just don’t know it yet.”

Betty laughed, and Toni cracked a grin, but both girls fell silent for the rest of the ride.

\---

Of course, the first person they saw when they got out of Toni’s car at the Whyte Wyrm was Jughead, standing stonily near the entrance with his arms crossed. Betty didn’t know whether it was better to stonewall Jughead completely, or to wait for him to go to her, so she could yell at him in front of everyone.

Toni, naturally, chose option C and waved him over as she shrugged on her Serpent jacket. “Yo Jones!”

Jughead made his way over to them. “Why did you bring her here?” he hissed at Toni.

“She’s a Serpent, and this is an all-hands meeting,” Toni replied.

“No, she isn’t!” Jughead snapped.

“ _She_  has a name, and would very much like to be included in this narrative,” Betty snapped.

“Oookay. I’m going to leave you two to it. Meet you inside,” said Toni, breezing away.

Betty and Jughead stared at each other for a long moment. Betty could read the flickering emotions in his face -- anger, concern, worry -- and wondered what he saw mirrored in her own.

“Your mother came by my trailer today,” Jughead said finally. “She reamed me out for getting you involved in the Serpents. How does she even know where I live?"

With a heroic effort, Betty refrained from rolling her eyes. "She's an investigative journalist, Jug. She has sources. Informants. Old school directories. The telephone book..."

Jughead gave her a dirty look. “That’s not what I -- Betty, you’re not a Serpent. You shouldn’t be here. Go home, where you’ll be safe.”

“I am so sick of people telling me who I am and what I should do and what will keep me safe,” Betty spat out. “Especially you, Jughead. Have you ever thought of how much of a hypocrite you’re being?”

Jughead shook his head. “I am trying to protect you. I am trying to protect this whole community and keep a gang war from erupting throughout the South Side. And I can’t do this and be your boyfriend and, and, go to movies and take you to prom, no matter how much I want to.”

“When have I asked for that?” Betty demanded. “I’m not asking you to be Mr. Football Jock, I’m asking you to be honest and stop keeping secrets from me to protect me.”

“What do you think I’m keeping from you, Betty?” he half-shouted.

“I know you and Toni hooked up,” she said flatly. A wave of emotion swept over his face -- guilt, shock, Betty didn’t care about diagnosing it. “I know, we were broken up. I know, it’s my fault that we were. I don’t care about that. I care that I didn’t find out from _you_.”

“Betty -- “ he started, but she cut him off.

“Don’t you realize yet that the thing that hurts me the most is keeping me ignorant of what’s going on? You’re keeping so much from me, Jughead. You don’t tell me when you get hurt, you duck my phone calls, and then you blame me for trying to find out more. I can’t stay safe running blind. The only time I’ve kept anything from you this year, it was because I thought you’d be killed if I told you.”

He had been poised to argue with her, but this stilled him. “What?”

Her tears, never far away lately, started falling. “I broke up with you because the Black Hood told me to. I didn’t want to, I never wanted to hurt you, he made me stop talking to Veronica and you and he said he’d kill you and Polly and my parents if I told anyone what was going on. Your life was in direct danger, Juggie, that’s the only thing I’ve kept from you. But you keep everything from me. ”

“You’re in danger too, Betts,” Jughead said.

“From the Serpents?” Betty snorted. “You’re the only one with a problem with me joining. Your dad, Toni, Penny Peabody -- nobody cares as much as you.”

“Betty,” Jughead said. He wrapped his arms around her, like the kinds of hugs he used to give her every day, that were once the most familiar thing in the world, and bent down like he was about to kiss her.

He whispered in her ear, “Penny Peabody threatened to kill you.”

Betty froze. “What? When? How?”

Jughead straightened up. “As far as I know, it was to keep me in line. We can’t be seen talking together anymore. It’ll just be used to hurt us.” With that, Jughead walked away and into the Whyte Wyrm.

Betty’s mind whirled with this new information. For a moment, she didn’t know what to do. She thought of hotwiring a car -- not Toni’s, but some of the other cars around would be easy enough to steal -- and heading back to the North Side, to her house, where her mother could bring her cookies and tell her to do her homework and go to bed at 9 PM.

Then Betty wiped her face with her sweater sleeve, tightened her ponytail, and walked resolutely into the Whyte Wyrm.

\---

As Betty entered the bar, Toni caught her eye and waved her over to where she was standing, in a knot of other younger Serpents. Betty wondered at the tension in the air as she made her way over to Toni. While previous gatherings of the Serpents had always seemed basically one drink away from a party, today’s gathering felt stiffer: more people standing in subdivisions, tribes within tribes.

The meeting began as Betty reached Toni. To her surprise, instead of FP leading the meeting, Penny Peabody and another Serpent she vaguely recognized (Toni whispered that he was Tall Boy, FP’s former second-in-command) were leading it instead.

“FP won’t be joining us today,” started Tall Boy, “as he had to take care of some, heh, family issues.” Betty couldn’t help it: her eyes turned to Jughead, who was standing slightly apart from the other Serpents at the edge of the crowd, arms crossed, betraying nothing.

“We’re changing the Serpent Initiation for now,” he said to a chorus of groans and muttering. “Gotta make sure the North Side isn’t interfering.” Betty felt a prickle down her spine, and noticed some of the angriest looks seemed to be aimed at her.

“We have other tasks planned to prove initiates’ loyalty,” Penny said. “And so the boys don’t suffer, we’ve set up a deal with The Wet Spot in Greendale. You’ll get half-off entrance into the back room.”

“What’s The Wet Spot?” Betty whispered to Toni, who looked disgusted.

“Think of the grossest strip club you can imagine, then imagine what they would call trashy,” Toni returned out of the side of her mouth. “And quadruple the Hep B.”

“We’ve also noticed that there have been some stragglers when it comes to our initiation practices,” Penny said smoothly. “All Serpents must wear their jackets and must have their tattoos complete. After all, we need to know you have skin in the game, right?” A roar of approval went up from the crowd, and Betty realized that she was the only person there not wearing a Serpent jacket.

“Never fear, princess. We’ll get you your tattoo right after this meeting,” Toni whispered to Betty as Penny went on.

_Oh, right, that’s part of the Serpent process, too._

_Well,_  shit.

It wasn’t that Betty was morally opposed to tattoos, it was more that she’d always considered herself the type not to get one. She had a deep-held suspicion that anything she liked enough to get as a tattoo now, it would be considered passé within a year, two tops: getting a tattoo had always seemed to her like a lot of pain and money for something she would soon be embarrassed by and then have to pay to get removed.

And while she had been willing to consider herself as committed to the Serpents earlier today when talking to Toni, she couldn’t forget Jughead’s words. _Penny Peabody threatened to kill you_  repeated in a loop in her ears, even as she tried to pay attention to Penny’s speech about “expanding opportunities” and “finding new partners” and “trusting in authority.”

“In unity, there is strength!” she shouted suddenly, and all the Serpents around her repeated it. Betty, startled, was a half-step behind, and weak.

Surely she could talk to Toni. Toni would understand.

\---

Toni did not understand.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” she said darkly from across the table at Pop’s. Betty had convinced Toni that she couldn’t pick out a tattoo on an empty stomach: sadly, the food was not coming fast enough to distract Toni from tattoo talk, which had led to the current impasse. “You’re not _sure_?”

“I’m having doubts,” Betty confessed. “I’m just...everything about Penny’s speech really worried me.”

“Why, because she sounded like a bitch? I’m glad she did. Bitches get shit done,” Toni scoffed. “We wanted the Serpent dance gone, and it’s gone. Bam.”

“But there’s something even more misogynistic replacing it,” Betty pointed out. “It’s not like they’re actually changing the way they do things, they’re just creating a new outlet for the grossness.”

Toni shrugged. “Progress doesn’t come smoothly. You gotta change things over time. Incrementally.”

“Aren’t you worried about FP, though? I mean, that he had family business, what does that even mean?” Betty pressed.

“I like FP, but I’m loyal to the Serpents, not any one person.” Toni sat back as the food finally arrived. Toni tore into her cheeseburger, while Betty toyed with a fry.

“Jughead told me…” Betty started, then trailed off. “Before the meeting. He told me that Penny threatened my life. He thinks it was to keep him in line.”

Toni stared at her for a moment, then she scoffed again. “Seriously, princess, that’s how you’re playing this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Duh. Like you're important enough to threaten. Jughead wants to keep you out of the Serpents by any means necessary. And you’re taking the first out you’ve been handed.”

“He wasn’t lying to me!” Betty protested.

“Really. Because he’s been so honest with you lately.” Betty looked away. Toni laughed harshly. “I thought so. You’re just letting yet another person manipulate you. Princess Betty Cooper, lacking all backbone. Do you need your mattress checked for stray peas?”

“That’s not fair!” Betty burst out. “You’re manipulating me, too.”

“Oh, trust me, Betty Cooper, I’m not.” Toni stood up. “For that to be true, I’d have to care about you first.” She swallowed the last bite of her cheeseburger and gathered her things. “You can get the tab.”

Before Betty could think of a counterargument, or even a really good insult, Toni was already gone.

Pop Tate stopped by her table. “Everything okay, Betty?”

“Uh, yeah. Could I get the check? And can you please wrap this up for me? I’ve lost my appetite.”

As Pop Tate left the table, Betty punched in Veronica’s number. “V? Can you pick me up at Pop’s? I need a friendly face.”

\---

“Poor B,” Veronica said sympathetically as Betty recovered from her crying jag on Veronica’s bed. “You’ve had a really long, really tough day. And you didn’t even have the amazing massage Kevin and I got to fortify you.”

“That’s true,” Betty said with a semi-hysterical giggle. “I’m owed a good massage. From the universe.”

“If only the universe supplied muscular hunks on demand. At least, hunks for cheaper than $150 an hour.”

Betty sat up. “You know the going price for male strippers?” Veronica made a throw-away gesture. Betty flopped back down on the pillows. “Whatever. I can’t believe she said that to me.”

“ _She_? Betty, on a day where you have not one but two highly emotionally-charged encounters with your ex-boyfriend, whom you still love very much, you’re really worried about what Toni said, of all people?”

“I think…” Betty chose her words carefully. “I think Jughead and I are going in circles. Maybe, maybe it’s actually best if we stay broken up for now.”

Veronica looked stricken. “Betty, this is true love we’re talking about. Hearing you talk like this is like watching puppies out in the cold, or like a sale at Barney’s while my credit cards are already maxed.”

“I love him, V. I do. But he won’t listen to me.” Betty closed her eyes before more tears fell. “I can’t keep bashing my head against the wall, forcing him to try to change his mind. This thing with Toni, it’s just that she's letting her preconceptions about me bias her. Maybe I can make a difference there.”

“I don’t know,” Veronica said slowly. “I only spent a little bit of time with her, but it seems like that girl has opinions about everything.”

“Like someone else I know,” Betty suggested mock-sweetly.

“Hah! A hit, a very palpable hit.” Veronica gave Betty another hug, then climbed off the bed. “This is too much deep conversation to be having without drinks. I’ll go get us some hot cocoa -- with schnapps for me, how about you?” Betty nodded. “I’ll be in the kitchen. Go find yourself some pajamas you like, lovely, and I’ll be back soon.”

After Veronica left, Betty slid off the bed and went to inspect the available nightwear. After perusing dozens of silk teddies and nightgowns, Betty started wondering if Veronica even owned a t-shirt.

A knock on the door startled her. “Yes?”

“Miss Cooper, there is a package for you.” Betty opened Veronica’s bedroom door to see André, the new Lodge butler -- was Smithers gone, or just away on vacation? How many butlers did their family need? -- was standing politely at the door, carefully not treading inside.

“A package? From who?”

“I couldn’t tell, miss. He was wrapped up quite heavily, due to the cold.”

The package was small, a plain white box wrapped with red ribbon. The tag read “To Betty Cooper, from Secret Santa.” Could Jughead be trying to make things up with her? Who would even know that she was at The Pembrooke?

André stepped back and politely closed the door to give Betty some privacy as she began to unwrap the package.

When she screamed, Veronica was the first to find her.

“What is it, Betty?”

Betty held up Jughead’s beanie, stained with blood. “The Black Hood has him.”

“No,” Veronica whispered, running to Betty’s side. “This is a trick, right?”

Betty shook her head. “He’s had this beanie since he was a kid. His mom embroidered his initials on the inside -- FPJ3. It’s his.” Her fingers traced the embroidery compulsively. “There’s a note underneath. Can you pick it up?”

Veronica retrieved the note with trembling fingers. It was printed in the same typeface as the tag, on white paper that was bloodstained where it had touched the beanie. “Go to where this all began by midnight, or the boy will be sacrificed. You may bring one companion, pure of sin. Any others, and he will be killed immediately.”

The world around Betty was spinning rapidly, and it was too hard to breathe. She sunk down onto Veronica’s bed. Automatically, she checked her phone: no new messages.

With her left hand still holding the beanie, she texted the number that had been added just that afternoon. _have you seen Jughead since the meeting?_

The response came swiftly. _im not ur boyfriends keeper_

_Do you know where he is?!_

_idk idc gdiaf_

Betty swallowed and took a picture of the beanie. _the Black Hood just sent this. I need to find him before midnight, or Jughead could die._

The response was almost immediate. _getting in car now where r u_

Betty texted Toni the Pembrooke's address and looked up at Veronica. “I just called in the cavalry. We need to make a plan. _Now_.”

\---

tbc

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, @village_skeptic, for naming the disgusting strip club. You also have inspired me with your ability to raise a single eyebrow: I have transferred all my jealousy to Betty. Thank you also to @blissfuloblivion, who beta-ed an early version of this chapter and explained to me how spas operate. 
> 
> Eagle-eyed viewers may note that this has been extended from two parts to four parts, and also that I’ve added some tags. This is what happened:
> 
> Me: huh, people really seem to like the first part, I’ve just gotta write a couple of Betty and Toni friendship scenes and then have Jughead come grovel, and I’m done!  
> Also me: *received text from village_skeptic about kotex ads* Oh yeah, I guess I should also have some sort of resolution for whether or not Betty stops the Serpent Dance.  
> Also me: Hey, wait a second, isn’t my biggest complaint about season 2A that Betty would have been able to stop Penny in an instant if Jughead had freaking warned her?  
> Also me: *texts village_skeptic an entire rewrite of episode 2.09*
> 
> I’m fairly certain I’m not the first person to quote William Shakespeare and Tyra Banks in the same work, but I’m proud to join the shortlist of those who have.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betty and Toni team up to rescue Jughead and take down the Black Hood.

By the time Toni’s silver VW Bug pulled up outside of the Pembrooke, Betty was already standing outside, shrugging a heavy duffel bag up onto her shoulder.

“Let’s get a few things straight,” Toni said as Betty opened the door. “I don’t like you. I don’t trust you. I’m only here to help Jughead and because I like true crime, not because of you.”

“Understood.” Betty slid into the passenger seat, balancing the duffel on her lap.

“This isn’t some kind of twisted girl-bonding activity that you and your North Side friends have dreamed up in order to make us, like, besties for life, right?”

“What? No!”

“And you’re _sure_  that it was his actual hat that was sent to you, and not a decoy that one of your Northside friends sent as a joke?” Toni pressed.

“Positive,” Betty nodded.

Toni looked at her and gave her a once-over. In a very different tone, she asked, “have you heard anything else from Jughead?”

Betty shook her head. “I just have a note, and his beanie.” She pulled the note out of a pocket on the bag, having placed it in a ziploc baggie to try to keep it from further fingerprint contamination.

Toni picked it up and read it over carefully. She looked up at Betty with a raised eyebrow. “You think I’m pure of sin?”

“Pure-ish,” Betty shrugged. “Plus, you’re a badass, and the Black Hood doesn’t know we’re fr -- doesn’t know we know each other. You’re my ace in the hole.”

“Right.” Toni turned the card over in her hand, then turned it back to the front. “‘Go to where this all began by midnight.’ So, we go to Pop’s, right? That’s where the first shooting happened.”

“No, that’s not it,” Betty contradicted. “The Black Hood’s been sending me messages about things that happened in Riverdale history. I think…” Betty closed her eyes, then opened them again. “I think we need to go to Fox Forest. Not where he first struck this year, but where the whole cycle began. Where the murders first started forty years ago.”

“Seriously?” Toni asked. “You’re want us to go to the ass-backwards of nowhere based on some bullshit interpretation of ‘Riverdale history’? Jughead’s in danger. We don’t have time to go running off on a whim.”

“There’s no way that he could be hidden at Pop’s,” Betty argued. “It’s dinner rush. It’s so crowded. Someone would have seen Jughead being dragged in. Pops doesn’t have a secret basement that he could be hidden in like the Whyte Wyrm does -- “

“You _know_  about that?”

“ -- and Pop Tate loves Jughead, he’s his best customer. No way. Going there would just waste our time. The place I’m thinking of, it’s way more secluded. There are plenty of places where they could hide -- “ _his body_  -- “him.”

“If you’re wrong, we might not have enough time for a second place,” Toni warned. “Jughead could _die_.”

“I know.” Betty took in a deep breath. “But I think we should go there first.”

Toni studied her for a moment. “Okay. Give me the address, princess.”

\---

As they drove to Fox Forest, Betty got Toni up to date on everything that she and Veronica had discussed.

“How are you getting messages from the Black Hood, anyway?” Toni asked. “Jughead said the creepy dude sending you messages was a copycat.”

“That’s what I told Jughead,” Betty explained. “He never knew that the Black Hood had started calling me on my phone. The Black Hood was threatening to kill people I loved if I said anything, so I figured...it was better to keep him safe, than to get him involved.”

Toni’s eyes flickered with understanding. “You and Jughead are such goons, thinking that lying can protect anyone.”

Betty winced. “Yeah, well. I don’t understand how the Black Hood knew I was at the Pembrooke, though. The only people who knew were Veronica and her driver.”

“He’s probably tracking your phone,” Toni said knowledgeably. “It’s a pretty common tactic. Even when you turn GPS off, people can still figure out where you are. It’s why we always carry burners on Serpent business.” Toni paused for a moment. “That wasn’t telling you Serpent secrets. That was just good sense.”

“Yeah, I knew that from The Wire,” Betty said. “I love that show. I keep meaning to show it to Jughead, but we never have the time.”

“Jughead’s never seen The Wire?” Toni asked incredulously. “Actually, wait, that makes sense.”

Toni’s GPS lost signal a few miles further along, but Toni still had no problem following Betty’s directions and driving along the dark rutted roads.

“The Serpents used to spend a lot of time out here,” Toni admitted when Betty commented on how smoothly she was driving. Toni went on, though Betty was only half-listening, her stomach roiling. “There was even a house out here where we used to hold the initiation rites, but the sheriff shut that down. The younger Serpents sometimes hang out around here, though -- it’s supposedly haunted, so it’s fun to scare new recruits. It’s like, right about --”

“Make a left here and there it is,” Betty interrupted.

Toni killed the engine, though the house was still about fifty yards away. “Are you sure this is it?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. ‘Cause...this is the initiation house I was telling you about.”

Betty and Toni stared at each other for a long moment.

“Not that -- that means anything,” Toni said cautiously. “A lot of people must know about it, right?”

“Yeah, it’s a murder house, it’s totally famous,” Betty said. “A total tourist destination.”

"It would be for me," Toni muttered.

Betty took in a deep breath. “Okay, so. I have a bunch of supplies in my bad, but the whole thing is too heavy to bring in.” She rummaged through the duffel, glad to have something to do. “I have a first-aid kit, that’s probably a good thing to bring. There’s some food and water, that can stay in the car. Do you have any weapons?”

“Like all gang members, I’m packing heat at all times,” Toni deadpanned. “No, just a pocket knife.”

“Okay, good.” Betty slid a Swiss Army knife into her own pocket, and the first-aid kit into a small collapsible tote bag that fit on her shoulder. She strapped the watch Veronica had lent her onto her left wrist, before handing Toni a flashlight and turning on a second one for herself. Finally, she lifted out a mass of black fabric, shook it out, and put it on.

“What is _that_?” Toni asked.

“It’s a cloak,” Betty said defensively.

“It’s got a _cape_ , princess.”

“My jacket is too light, and I didn’t want -- oh, forget it.” Betty pulled up the hood of the cape, hiding her blonde hair. Since she was taller than Veronica, the cloak didn’t quite reach her knees, and her wrists poked through, but otherwise it did a lot to conceal her in the darkness. Though it didn’t exactly keep her warm. _How does Veronica wear this in the winter?_

“Anything else, Little Black Riding Hood?” Toni asked.

Betty hit a button on the watch. The numbers glowed briefly: 8:26 PM. Plenty of time before midnight. “Let’s go rescue Jughead and kick some ass,” she said.

“Hear, hear.”

\---

Betty and Toni didn’t see a single other vehicle on their way up to the house, though Betty thought she might have seen some other vehicle tracks. The house itself was as Betty remembered: peeling paint, cracked plaster, a generally derelict air. And empty: utterly, utterly empty and deserted.

_You failed_ , her inner voice raged. _It’s your fault if Jughead dies._

_Shut up._

“Should we split up and cover more ground?” Betty whispered to Toni.

“Hell no,” Toni hissed. “The second we separate, something comes out of the darkness and kills me, and you have to Final Girl your way out of here.”

Betty looked at Toni bemusedly. “I was here alone before, when the Black Hood said to come here, and I was fine.”

Toni looked at her in utter horror. “You _what_?” she said in a close-to-normal speaking voice, if an octave above her usual tones. “Do you have a death wish you neglected to tell me about, Betty Cooper? You went into a deserted house in the middle of the woods because a voice on your phone told you, and you’re still alive? Does virgin power really work that way?”  _She rambles like this when she’s nervous_ , Betty reminded herself.

“I never said -- “ Betty started, but stopped when a loud, rhythmic thumping started from the back of the house. Betty and Toni exchanged glances, and silently moved towards the noise.

The noise seemed to be coming from the sitting room, but no one was there, not in the fireplace, with a poker propped up uselessly beside it, not under the table. There was a closed door, made of solid oak -- the thumping seemed to be on the other side. Betty gently tugged on the door, and found it strangely heavy. She gestured over to Toni, who stopped her search to help Betty. After a significant amount of straining, they managed to swing the door open.

On the other side of the sitting room was a simple lean-to, probably used at one point as a shed or place to wipe the mud off shoes. No one was there.

On the other side of the _door_  was Jughead Jones, bound and gagged. The skin around his eyes was swollen and purple, and blood crusted on one side of his face. His arms were separated and bound to iron prongs at the top of the door; his legs were bound together, dangling uselessly a few inches above the ground.

“Juggie,” Betty said helplessly. His eyes rolled around frantically. “Okay, everything is fine, situation normal, Jughead is just tied to the door. Jughead, we’re going to get you out of here. Toni, hand me your knife.” Toni, her eyes wide, handed over a giant six-inch switchblade. _This is a pocket knife!?_  “I need your flashlight on me now.” A beam of light was obligingly shone in her direction, hitting Jughead full in the face and highlighting his injuries gruesomely.

Betty set her flashlight down in a corner and gingerly held the knife for a moment, trying to figure out how to get him down. "I guess I should get rid of the gag first, untie the legs, and then get the arms?" She rose onto her tip-toes and managed to separate some of the fabric -- ugh, was it a sock? A _dirty_  sock? -- away from his skin and cut away. A few moments of effort and the gag fell away.

“Betty,” Jughead rasped. “Get out.”

“We’re going to get you out, Juggie. Just a little bit more. Toni, we need something that we can balance his legs on, it’ll hurt him otherwise once we work on his arms. A block of wood, or something -- “

Toni nodded and started checking the corners of the room for something they could use with her flashlight.

“No, you need to get out,” Jughead said as Betty bent down to cut his legs free. “Betty -- the Black Hood isn’t one person. This is a trap.”

Betty snapped her head up to look at him. At the same time, Toni let out a scream that was all-too-quickly muffled, and her flashlight shook wildly before clattering to the floor.

Betty whirled around to see Toni in the grip of a much larger man, one hand covering her mouth and the other pinning her arms behind her back, his face hidden in darkness.

“Well, well, well, Betty Cooper,” said a smooth female voice.

Betty swallowed and lifted her chin up. “Penny Peabody. Nice to see you again.”

Penny stepped forward out of the shadows. In one hand, she held a battery-powered lantern. In the other -- a gun, pointed directly at Jughead, who had somehow gotten his gag back in his mouth. “Drop the knife and kick it towards me, or I blow your boyfriend’s brains out.”

Betty swallowed. She flicked the blade back in, then kicked it to Penny, who stopped it with her foot without looking down.

“Good girl. Now, get away from him.”

With an anguished look up at Jughead, Betty crossed the room, moving in front of the fireplace. With her left hand, she pushed her hood off her head and anxiously smoothed a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. She kept her right hand concealed within the folds of her rippling cloak.

Once Betty was on her own, Penny placed the lantern on the ground and picked up the knife, all while keeping the gun on Jughead.

Toni had stopped actively struggling against her captor, her eyes narrowed as she looked between Betty and Penny.

“So you’re the Black Hood,” Betty said shakily.

“Part of the team, certainly.”

“You were the person sending me notes?” Betty asked. “Calling me on the phone? But the voice I heard was a man’s.”

Penny gave her a pitying look. “Synthesizers, kid.”

“But you weren’t -- you didn’t physically pull the trigger on Mr. Andrews?”

Toni snorted. “She didn’t have to. Tall Boy here has been her bitch for ages. She’s the only one who doesn’t mind how stupid he is.” Tall Boy made his displeasure known. “Ow, that’s my hair, not a weave.”

Betty sent her a quelling look. _Be safe,_  her eyes begged. “How did you get the idea for the Black Hood?”

“We have a... benefactor team, of sorts,” Penny said. “Our goals and their goals are in line. They gave us leeway in how to accomplish them. We both get what we want, while they maintain plausible deniability.”

Betty bit her lip. “Why did you target _me_?”

Whatever response Betty was expecting, it wasn’t Penny bursting into laughter. Betty carefully kept her face blank and continued to nervously fidget with her hair with her left hand, while her right hand began to grope behind her in search of the fireplace poker.

“We didn’t target you, Betty Cooper. We chose you. You were our patsy.” Betty froze. Penny smirked cruelly. “Your article gave us the _perfect_  scapegoat.”

“And keeping you away from Jones got him into the Serpents, where we could keep an eye on him,” Tall Boy rumbled. “And kept you distracted.”

Her thoughts raced at this unexpected turn. “How did you know about the Nancy Drew cypher?” Betty blurted.

Penny’s lips spread out even further. “Your obnoxious cunt of a mother has been writing sickeningly boring articles about you and your sister for your entire lives. We know all about you.”

_My mother?_  “Yeah, well, I tell my mother everything. She knows about the Black Hood. She knows where I went tonight. If I turn up dead, she will hunt you down and expose you. She’ll never stop.”

“Oh, Betty,” Penny said, shaking her head. “We’re not going to kill you. That would be such a waste of your talents! You’ve been such a good, obedient girl all these weeks, and we just have one last task for you.”

Betty’s hand brushed against the poker. “What’s that?”

“You get to make a choice,” Penny said.

“An easy choice,” Tall Boy growled.

“See, the Serpents have been having some problems with their younger members lately. It seems some of them have been being particularly rebellious lately. Willing to challenge the status quo.” Tall Boy gave Toni a shake at these words. “We think one of their bodies floating down Sweetwater River ought to put the fear of God back in them. And you, you lucky girl, you get to choose which one dies.”

Betty’s fingers closed around the poker. “And if I refuse?”

“Both die,” Penny said.

Tall Boy grinned. “It’ll be fun.”

“This is obscene,” Betty breathed.

“It’s really because of you that you get to enjoy this Sophie’s Choice,” Penny said casually. “I was expecting your red-headed friend to show up with you. We have a grave dug in the back already.”

“Which friend, Archie or Cheryl?” Betty bantered, looking beyond Penny to Toni. Toni met her eyes, looking fierce. “Because if you meant Cheryl, I probably wouldn’t have minded.”

“Now, _that’s_ the Betty Cooper I know,” Penny said. “Judgmental, sanctimonious, and willing to throw anyone under the bus if it furthers your goals. You were willing to have the Black Hood attack Nick St. Clair easily enough.”

Betty heard a gasp. _Fuck._  She tried to think of something, anything to say, anything to keep them talking and distracted and _not killing anyone_ , but she was lost.

“This is such bullshit,” Toni burst out angrily. “It’s so obvious that Betty will choose Jughead. You might as well just kill me now and let them go. She’s that kind of girl, obviously, she’ll always pick her boyfriend over her real friends.”

“That’s where my money is, sure,” Penny offered, glancing over at Toni before turning back to Betty. The gun never wavered from its target on Jughead. “But it’s always important to check your hypotheses.”

“But why kill me for Betty? I’m loyal, I’ve been loyal to the Serpents my whole time in, I’d die for the Serpents.” Toni’s glance flicked away from Penny for a moment, directly to Betty, then on to Jughead. “I’d be your best lieutenant. You have to admit, most of these guys have shit for brains.” Tall Boy frowned and shook her again. “Exactly. All muscle, no subtlety.”

“And this,” Penny breathed, “is why you’re a threat.” Finally dropping her sights from Jughead for a moment, she strode over to Toni and pistol-whipped her in the face. Blood gushed from Toni’s nose and mouth. “You need to wait your turn, not try to stage a coup for _my_  place.”

This was the moment, Betty knew. Toni was getting beaten bloody to give her a moment, to run, to get to the car and get out.

But if she left now, Toni and Jughead would die for nothing.

“Fine, I’ll choose,” Betty said loudly. “But you have to answer some questions first. That’s the deal.”

Penny turned back around, dismissing Toni. The gun was again pointed at Jughead. “Go ahead.”

“Why did you shoot Fred Andrews?”

“Bastard fired my men,” Tall Boy spat. “Got him back.”

“And Miss Grundy, did you strangle her?”

“Dear ‘Geraldine’ was dealing drugs without our authorization.” Penny sighed. “She never could keep her hands to herself. But you know all about that.”

_How does she know about_ that _?_  “Moose and Midge?”

“Their supplier had gone to the Ghoulies for his latest batch of jingle-jangle. We were sending him a message. This is getting awfully tedious, Betty. Are you stalling for time? It won’t do you any good.”

“Not for time," Betty breathed. "I just have one more question.” Betty moved her left hand closer to her mouth. “Veronica, did you get all of that?”

“Crystal clear,” Veronica’s voice floated through the watch. “Veronica Lodge, at your service. Penny’s confession is uploaded to the cloud and scheduled to be tweeted out in fifteen minutes, unless I get the say-so from you to cancel it. And while I’m not followed by every mover and shaker in Riverdale, much to my dismay, Cheryl Blossom has a weird passive-aggressive habit of retweeting pretty much everything I post, and she is followed by the Sheriff’s department.”

“Thanks, V. And for the record, in accordance with New York state law, I fully consent to this call being recorded. So, my last question for you, Penny Peabody,” Betty said steadily, “is what do you think you can do to keep me from sending this recording straight to the Sheriff’s department, along with our GPS coordinates?”

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that,” Veronica’s voice assured her. “My contact at the sheriff’s office has the coordinates and is willing to dispatch officers as soon as I give the signal.”

_She must have convinced Kevin to go along with this, great!_  “Good job, V. So you see, Penny, I have all the cards. Do you want me to deal them out? You kill us -- any of us, all of us, it doesn’t matter. That’s game over for you. You’re already on tape confessing to crimes already that could get you life in prison. Or, we could make a deal. I keep the recording to myself, and you two get the hell out of Riverdale, forever.”

“Where would we go, Greendale?” Tall Boy asked.

“Uh, Greendale’s like five miles down the road,” Betty said. “I was thinking more like... Canada. Or California. Get yourselves a new life somewhere far away from here. You’ll be free, which is more than you’ll have sticking around here.”

“You’re a pretty smug bitch, aren’t you,” Penny said sourly.

Betty jutted out her chin again. “When I have reason to be, sure.”

Penny’s smile grew. “Think again.” She hit a button on her own watch, which Betty hadn’t noticed until now. “André? Get the Lodge girl. Make sure she gives over everything.” Penny ended the call with a curt gesture, and gave Betty a thin-lipped smile. “Your move, _princess_.”

“V -- “ Betty started.

“I heard.” Veronica’s voice was tense and quiet. “Remember, B: full dark, no stars. Don’t hold back.”

The watch’s face blinked out. This was the moment of crisis, the darkest hour. This was the moment where, if Betty was a true hero, her mentor should come down and give her a message that could help her save the day.

What would her mother do, if she was here?

A memory floated up of Alice, several glasses of wine deep on a family movie night. Sandra Bullock showing off her self-defense moves in _Miss Congeniality_  -- “They always tell you to go for the groin,” Alice lamented, “but that takes a lot of precision, and I don’t think either of you girls could do it. You need to fracture the kneecaps instead -- they’re super-fragile, so you don’t even have to hit them very hard.”

_Thanks, Mom, for being absolutely no use whatsoever in my hour of need._

A movement from the back of the room caught her eye -- Jughead had spat out his gag again.

“If you need to kill someone, kill me,” Jughead croaked. “Just let the girls go,”

“You shouldn’t kill any of us,” Toni objected. “We’re Serpents, just like you. A Serpent never betrays his own.”

“You actually take that shit seriously?” Penny snorted. “We’ll just tell the other kids that you betrayed The Serpents first. They’re stupid enough to believe whatever we say. And it’s not like anyone else is going to miss a couple of pieces of Southside trash.”

And then it hit Betty -- the full dark, no stars way out of this house with everyone alive. She dropped the poker behind her and clasped her hands together. “You can’t kill us,” Betty said with quiet confidence. “So you might as well let us go now.”

“Excuse me?” Penny said. For the first time in the conversation, her gun-holding hand swung to from Jughead to point at Betty. “Have you not been paying attention for the last hour? I can kill any one of you fucking scumbags, and no one will care.”

The gun muzzle was so much larger when she was looking directly at it. Betty swallowed. “If you kill any one of us, you’ll have to kill all three of us, to make sure no one talks. And maybe you’re right, you can kill Jughead or Toni without anyone but the Serpents noticing. But I’m Betty Cooper. I’m a white, middle-class girl from the right side of the tracks. You can’t kill me without the whole town noticing that I’m gone. We met twice today: there are witnesses. The story will go national, easily. And you’ll be a prime suspect.”

Betty couldn’t look at either Jughead or Toni as she said any of this. She focused on Penny, imbuing her words with as much honesty and scorn as she could.

Penny took a moment to consider this. “So what? I’ll tell anyone who asks that you’re some crazy obsessive girlfriend who went into a jealous rage when she saw her boyfriend with his new sidepiece.”

“Oh, you want this story to get even bigger?” Betty countered. “Sure, throw in the sex angle. That won’t interest the national markets at all.”

“And she’s a virgin,” Toni piped in. “That alone probably guarantees at least two multi-part podcasts about her.” Out of the corner of her eye, Betty noted the non-bloody parts of Jughead’s face turning a deep red.

“Did you have any dealings with Jason Blossom?” Betty continued. Tall Boy made a noise. “‘Cause as the second Northside teen to be murdered by a Serpent in a matter of months, they’re going to be going over the entire Serpents gang with a fine-toothed comb. It won’t just be the sheriff’s department -- it’ll be state police, maybe even the FBI depending on what they find. There have got to be some Serpents with rap sheets, maybe some who are in danger of violating their parole, who will flip on you for to keep immunity.”

“Betty’s just thinking about the legal end of things,” Toni said sweetly. “I can think of at least one Serpent King who is going to be very unhappy about tonight. He’ll make a life sentence seem like a walk in the park for harming his son.” Betty privately had some doubts on this one, but held her tongue.

“We can all walk away and forget this night ever happened,” Betty said. “Or we can all get hurt more. I know which one I’d pick. What do you say, Penny Peabody?”

The next moment was the longest in Betty’s life, as she watched Penny Peabody weigh her options. No one breathed.

And then -- Betty saw the tears forming in Penny’s eyes, before a mask of rage settled down, distorting her feature.

_Oh, no_.

“At least I’ll make Alice Hovick’s life hell one last time, too,” Penny said as her finger tightened on the trigger.

Betty looked directly into the muzzle.

_No, wait, I haven’t --_

**BINGELY-BINGELY-BEEP!**

Just as Penny was pulling the trigger, Betty’s watch emitted a loud ringing noise, making Penny jump and misfire a few inches above Betty’s head.

Betty looked down at her watch in disbelief and saw she was getting a phone call.

“I’m sorry, I have to take this,” Betty said automatically, and pressed the ‘accept’ button.

Betty felt rather than heard the sound that next came out of her watch, a deep vibration that seemed to reverberate within her very bones. The walls shook so violently she was afraid the house itself might come down on them all. Jughead’s arm restraints shook free of the door, landing him in an undignified pile at the bottom of the door. And Penny and Tall Boy both fell down where they stood, blood coming from their noses.

“What _is_  that?” Toni shouted.

“Did anyone ask for a _deus ex_ Veronica?” came Veronica’s voice through the watch, sounding both more breathless and more strained than it had before.

“V, what did you _do_?” Betty asked.

“When your father has a computer file labelled ‘sonic weapon, use only on people over 30’ and a manservant trained in krav maga trying to take you down, you improvise,” Veronica said. “I don’t think it’s entirely safe to keep playing it on loop, even at our tender ages, so I suggest getting the hell out of Dodge and meeting me at Riverdale General Hospital, because it didn’t sound like Jughead was in that great of a shape. Also, if you guys haven’t moved in the next ninety seconds, I’m sending the sheriff’s SWAT team after you.”

“The sheriff doesn’t have a SWAT team,” Betty said, as Toni joined her.

“I’ll buy them one.”

“Sure. Okay, V, about to move out. Just leave the sound on for a few seconds longer.” Betty bent and retrieved the gun from Penny’s loosened grip, handing it gingerly to Toni. She then picked up the fireplace poker and swung it tentatively at Penny’s kneecap. Penny continue to lie there unmoving, so Betty hit it again, and then the other one for good measure. Then she moved to Tall Boy and cracked both of his kneecaps as well. “That’s all. You can turn it off now.” The sound ceased instantly. Then, and only then, did she head back to Jughead and slip him free of the remaining rope knots.

“Let’s go home,” she said.

“Or to the hospital,” Toni said as she joined Betty to help prop Jughead up.

“That too.”

“Lead the way, princess.”

\---

“You amaze me, Betty Cooper,” Jughead breathed as she helped get him settled into the backseat of Toni’s Bug.

“Pretty sure that’s the blood loss talking, Juggie.” Betty also opted for the back seat. It wouldn’t be the most comfortable ride, but it meant she could use the first-aid kit to patch up the worst of Jughead’s wounds while balancing his head on her lap.

“No, that would be why I can’t stand up on my own.” He blinked. “And why there suddenly appears to be two of you.”

“That’s the concussion talking,” Toni said as she moved the driver’s seat back.

“Regardless,” Jughead said. “Irregardless? In regards to? You, Betty, are amazing, and the only reason we are not kissing at this very moment is because of the blood loss and grievous body harm.”

“Bodily,” Toni corrected.

“That is not a word,” Jughead said with all the offended dignity he could muster.

“Toni’s right,” Betty said. “Want some water?”

Jughead sipped from a bottle, then sunk back down. In a very small voice, so quietly Betty didn’t know if Toni could hear, he said, “I should have trusted you. I never should have lied to you.”

“Damn straight,” Betty replied. Then, equally as quietly, “me either.”

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too."

As the car started, Jughead squeezed Betty’s hand. Betty squeezed back.

\---

Most of the ride was spent patching Jughead up and getting filled in on his perspective of what had happened (not much, honestly: Tall Boy had jumped him immediately following the meeting). But as the ride neared its end, Betty looked up and saw Toni’s eyes on her from the rear-view mirror.

“That was pretty cool what you did back there,” Toni said softly. “Even if it was invoking the totally racist and misogynistic trope of Missing White Woman Syndrome.”

“It was and I’m sorry,” Betty confessed. “I didn't mean it. I was just trying to keep them talking so no one got killed.”

“You weren't wrong, though. No one would care if Jughead or I got killed.”

“I would,” Betty said. Through the window, she could see Pop’s diner sign glowing.

“You know what, princess? I think I might believe you.”

\---

Alice and Veronica were waiting for them at the entrance to the ER. Alice, rarely the most demonstrative parent, threw her arms around Betty, then Jughead, then Toni, before hugging Betty again. “Thank God you’re all safe,” she whispered into Betty’s ear.

Betty hugged her back. “We’re okay, Mom. And we’ve brought you a pretty good scoop.”

“If the sheriff’s office allows me to print any of it,” Alice groused. “Interfering in ongoing investigations, my ass.”

Jughead and Toni, as the most visibly injured of the group, were swept up by a nurse and taken to the front desk to complete their paperwork. Betty slipped out of Alice’s embrace to greet Veronica, who was looking uncharacteristically subdued, a bruise darkening one cheek.

“Veronica, how can I ever thank you? You just saved all our lives.”

“B, I’m just beyond thrilled that when you decided to turn your life into James Bond film, you cast me as your personal Q. No one else would have seen me as anything other than a Bond Girl.”

Betty giggled. Then, spotting Sheriff Keller, she waved him over.

Sheriff Keller walked over slowly, also looking grimmer than usual. “Miss Lodge,” he said formally, “your parents’ lawyer has contacted us and posted their bail. Do you wish to be represented by them as well?”

“No, I think that will be a conflict of interest,” Veronica responded coolly. “I think I can handle one night in the clink before contacting my own lawyer in the morning.”

“Veronica,” Betty said slowly, realizing for the first time that Veronica was wearing handcuffs, “are you under _arrest_?”

“It turns out that not everything I did tonight is, strictly speaking, how would you say, _legal_.” Veronica’s lips quirked up. “Don’t worry, B, self-defense accounts for a lot. And I’ll get a good lawyer tomorrow.”

Betty’s brow wrinkled. “But why can’t you use your parents’ lawyer?”

Veronica smiled ruefully. “Afraid I’m not at liberty to say.”

“I’ll tell you tomorrow, Elizabeth,” said Alice, who had been having a fierce undervoiced discussion with Sheriff Keller. “After you talk to the Sheriff.”

“I really should be talking to Betty tonight, Alice,” Sheriff Keller said. “I don’t want to give them time to collude on a story.”

Alice drew herself up to her full height. “My daughter does not _collude_ ,” she said haughtily. “And when we talk about things that should and shouldn’t be done, one thing that shouldn’t be done is the sheriff of a small town leaving his badge in a motel room on a night he’s schedule to be on duty, and the mayor of the town having to -- “

“Betty, we’ll be seeing you tomorrow morning. Get some sleep,” Sheriff Keller said abruptly, and went to confer with a deputy.

Betty glanced at her mother, who looked smug, and grinned at Veronica.

“It looks like Toni and Jughead are being taken in now. Say your goodbyes and then I’ll take you home,” Alice said.

As Betty strode over, Jughead was already being loaded into a hospital gurney. “You guys okay?” Betty said, suddenly feeling shy.

“This room has too many lights, it’s very inefficient,” Jughead complained. “And they spin too much.”

“We’ll be fine,” Toni said. “I mean, until the bill comes, then we’ll have to scamper.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Betty said.

Toni gave her a look. “Do you know how expensive an ER bill is?”

“I have run many, many fundraisers before, I can do it.”

“You know, I’ve doubted you enough for one day, princess, I’ll just take your word for it for now,” Toni said. She punched Betty lightly on the arm. “Take care, you hear? No more running into murderers' dens without at least four people as back-up.”

“Sounds like I should start my own gang," Betty quipped. "I’ll see you both tomorrow." She gently brushed a lock of Jughead’s hair away from his face. “Stay safe.”

“Lobsters,” said Jughead, or something close to that.

\---

Back home, Betty changed into her pajamas, brushed her teeth, and got under the covers of her perfectly-made bed, waiting for the world to regain its balance.

Her phone chirped, warning her of its low battery: she went to plug it in. A message was on the lock screen, from Archie: _been working on a new song all day, its killer! play it for you at lunch tmrw????_

It was, of course, a school day tomorrow, and Betty would have to be Betty Cooper all day long.

Betty laid down in her bed, stared at the ceiling, and waited for sleep to come.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have written a climactic action scene! And next, the denouement!
> 
> I generally try to do a lot of research for topics I don't know that much about in each chapter and to get image references. For chapter 1 I googled car issues, for chapter 2 I googled spa treatments, etc. For this chapter I started trying to do research, but I tried googling "how to tie someone to a door", saw things I could never unsee, and decided to use my imagination.
> 
> Now, some of you might be saying, "hang on, are there really sounds that only people over thirty can hear?" And some of you might be googling and saying, "hey now, science says that while there are high-pitched sounds only people in their teens or younger can hear, there's no way there are sounds only people over thirty can hear." And some of you might be going, "huh, isn't this a scene from 30 Rock?" To this, I say trust your auntie Stirrings: there is no way the government would let information about such a super-sekrit weapon like the one Lodge Industries has produced out on the Internet, where anyone can see it. 
> 
> (So basically in this canon, Veronica is Tony Stark. I see it.)
> 
> Thanks, as always, goes to the lovely village_skeptic, who I tested out all the suspenseful parts on.


End file.
